[Lord Helmet is playing with his dolls in his quarters when Col Sandurz bursts in] Colonel Sandurz: Lord Helmet! Dark Helmet: WHAT?
[Helmet gathers up his dolls in the blink of an eye] Colonel Sandurz: You're needed on the bridge sir! Dark Helmet: Knock on my door! Knock next time! Colonel Sandurz: Yes, sir! Dark Helmet: Did you see anything? Colonel Sandurz: No, sir! I didn't see you playing with your dolls again. Dark Helmet: GOOD! Colonel Sandurz: [Sandurz slams the door]
[after the self-destruction mechanism has been activated] President Skroob: Sandurz, Sandurz. You got to help me. I don't know what to do. I can't make decisions. I'm a president!
Dark Helmet: Careful you idiot! I said across her nose, not up it! Laser Gunner: Sorry sir! I'm doing my best! Dark Helmet: Who made that man a gunner? Major *******: I did sir. He's my cousin. Dark Helmet: Who is he? Colonel Sandurz: He's an ******* sir. Dark Helmet: I know that! What's his name? Colonel Sandurz: That is his name sir. *******, Major *******! Dark Helmet: And his cousin? Colonel Sandurz: He's an ******* too sir. Gunner's mate First Class Philip *******! Dark Helmet: How many asholes do we have on this ship, anyway?
[Entire bridge crew stands up and raises a hand] Entire Bridge Crew: Yo! Dark Helmet: I knew it. I'm surrounded by *******s!
[Dark Helmet pulls his face shield down] Dark Helmet: Keep firing, *******s!