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That's pretty good Craig, here's mine for the day: A husband and wife are sitting in bed one evening, one is reading a book, the other is watching tv. They start talking and they are trying to think of topics to talk about. The husband says "Tell me something that will make me very happy and very sad/mad at the same time". The wife sits there for a few minutes contemplating her response. After about 5 minutes the husband finally looks over to her and says "Well, what do you have to say". She looks around awkwardly, and finally says..... "Well, you have a bigger dick than your brother..."
A woman is just getting on an elevator to go up to her floor of her apartment building, a bunch of people ask her told hold and they all cram in. The woman is in the back and a man accidently hits the woman's chest and says "I'm sorry about that, but if your heart is as soft as your breasts are, you'll forgive me".. She replies back to him, "If your dick is as hard as your elbow... I'm in apartment 432."
I gots a couple! A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do. "Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?" The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?" The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch." A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money. "You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats. "Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. "And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."
If blondes and bimbos were the same thing, the prefix 'bim' could be used to create new words that describe them: Bimbabble - noises coming from a group of blondes Bimbaffled - constant mental state of blondes Bimbait - short skirts, sheer blouses, string bikinis or other clothing worn by blondes in an attempt to attract the attention of males Bimbar - a bar where blondes hang out wearing bimbait Bimbag - a blonde's purse Bimbrushes - essential equipment in a bimbag Bimbastic surgeon - specialist in breast enhancements for blondes Bimbeeper - special instrument used as a homing device for lost blondes Bimbellow - sound emanating from a blonde after she finally got the most recent blonde joke she heard Bimbillion? - a blonde giving an estimate of anything Bimblaze - the result of a blonde trying to cook Bimblues - a blonde's state of mind after her latest boyfriend ditched her Bimboette - a young blonde Bimbonese - language spoken by blondes, largely unintelligible to anyone else Bimbonique behavior - airhead behavior, unique to blondes Bimboozle - to fool a blonde Bimbore - a blonde who uses "like" more than 10 times in a sentence Bimbozo - another name for a blonde Bimboron - a blonde even less intelligent than most other blondes Bimbrownie - a well-tanned blonde Bimbrunette - a blonde who dyes her hair brunette, usually to appear smarter than she actually is Bimburden - blonde carrying too many bags at the mall
Hahahaha. I'll sure as hell try! Better yet, I'll just come in here and say something. I'm a joke anyways. Haha
Guy goes up to the bartender and asks him for a beer, in the bottle. They get to shooting the **** and so the guy gets a little ballsy and says to the bartender 'Hey...I bet you $20 that if I put this empty beer bottle 35 feet away from me, I can spit in it without makin a single drope on the floor' The bartender is intruiged and takes the bet so the guy slams the rest of his beer, puts the bottle 35 feet away, and procedes to haulk a lugie...it misses by a mile landing flat on the floor. The bartender chuckles and tells the guy to pay up. The guy being adamant that he can win his money back says 'How about another bet....I bet you $100 that I can put this beer bottle 15 feet away and piss in it without getting a drop on the floor.' The barkeep, a little more hesitant, thinks that he is about to make a quick $120 so he takes the bet. The guy places the bottle 15 feet away, comes back, takes a stance and starts his ellaborate aiming process of which the bartender begins to laugh. The guy takes his stance and fires, not getting a single drop in the bottle. The barkeep is now clutching his sides from laughing so hard. When he finally regained his composure and collected his winnings, the barkeep gives the guy another beer and askes him 'Why would you make those bets? You just lost $120!' The guy just smiles and responds with, 'You see that guy sitting in the corner booth looking like he is about to punch somebody in the face? He seems to think that you are a stoic jerk and bet me $2000 that I couldn't piss and spit in your bar and make you laugh about it!'
A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink, and while he's drinking, the monkey jumps all over the place, eating everything behind the bar. Then the monkey jumps on to the pool table and swallows a billiard ball. The bartender screams at the guy, "Your monkey just ate the cue ball off my pool table -- whole!" "Sorry," replied the guy. "He eats everything in sight, the little bastard. I'll pay for everything." The man finishes his drink, pays and leaves. Two weeks later, he's in the bar with his pet monkey, again. He orders a drink, and the monkey starts running around the bar. The monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his ass, pulls it out and eats it. The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?" he asks. "Yeah," replies the guy. "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he swallowed that cue ball, he measures stuff first."
Animal Snooker There was an elephant a snake and a gorilla in the jungle, the snake said, "Shall we have a game of snooker?" The elephant replied "How can we play snooker when we haven't got a table." So the snake said, "We can pretend, instead of hitting the ball, we'll each do a trick, whoever does the best trick will get the most points." The gorilla said "OK I'll go first, I'll climb up that tree swing around that branch 3 times do a double somersault and land on my feet, that's got to be worth the black ball and that's 7 points." The elephant said "No it's not worth 7 points because your good at climbing trees, we'll give you the blue and that's worth 5 points." The gorilla said, "OK" and off he went up the tree, he swung round the branch 3 times did a double somersault and landed on his feet. The elephant said "I'll climb up the tree swing around the branch twice do a single somersault and land on my feet, that's got to be worth 7 points because I can't climb trees very well." So the snake and the gorillas said, "OK if you can do that we'll give you 7 points." The elephant went up the tree swung round the branch twice did the somersault and landed on his feet with an almighty bang. The snake said, "That was brilliant," "So what are you going to do snake" the gorilla asked. "Well, I'll go up the elephants bum through his intestine and out of his trunk, that's got to be worth 7 points" said the snake. The gorilla said, "If you can do that we'll give you 7 points." so off went the snake up the elephants bum. The gorilla got hold of the elephants trunk and stuck it up his bum and said "That's got him Snookered!!".
The Mime One day an out of work mime is visiting the zoo and attempts to earn some money as a street performer. Unfortunately, as soon as he starts to draw a crowd, a zoo keeper grabs him and drags him into his office. The zoo-keeper explains to the mime that the zoo's most popular attraction, a gorilla, has died suddenly and the keeper fears that attendance at the zoo will fall off. He offers the mime a job to dress up as the gorilla until they can get another one. The mime accepts. So the next morning the mime puts on the gorilla suit and enters the cage before crowd comes. He discovers that it's a great job. He can sleep all he wants, play and make fun of people and he draws bigger crowds than he ever did as a mime. However, eventually the crowds tire of him and he tires of just swinging on tires. He begins to notice that the people are paying more attention to the lion in the cage next to his. Not wanting to lose the attention of his audience, he climbs to the top of his cage, crawls across a partition, and dangles from the top to the lion's cage. Of course, this makes the lion furious, but the crowd loves it. At the end of the day the zoo-keeper comes and gives the mime a raise for being such a good attraction. Well, this goes on for some time, the mime keeps taunting the lion, the crowds grow larger, and his salary keeps going up. Then one terrible day when he is dangling over the furious lion, he slips and falls. The mime is terrified. The lion gathers itself and prepares to pounce. The mime is so scared that he begins to run round and round the cage with the lion close behind. Finally, the mime starts screaming and yelling, "Help, Help me!" but the lion is quick and pounces. The mime soon finds himself flat on his back looking up at the angry lion and the lion says, "Shut up you idiot! Do you want to get us both fired?
Three guys go to a ski lodge, and there aren't enough rooms, so they have to share a bed. In the middle of the night, the guy on the right wakes up and says, "I had this wild, vivid dream of getting a hand job!" The guy on the left wakes up, and unbelievably, he's had the same dream, too. Then the guy in the middle wakes up and says, "That's funny, I dreamed I was skiing!"
What is the definition of a good marriage? A good marriage is between a blind wife and a deaf husband It doesn't matter how often a married man changes his job, he still ends up with the same boss.
One day in the forest, 3 guys were just hiking along a trail when all of a sudden, a huge pack of indians attaked them and knocked them out. When they woke up, they were at the leader of the tribe's throne. The chief then said "All of your lives may be spared if you can find ten of one fruit and bring them back to me." So after a while the first man returned with 10 apples. The cheif then ordered him to stick all ten of them up his butt without making any expression at all on his face. He had a little bit of trouble with the first one and started crying while trying to put the next one in. He was soon killed. Later, the next guy came in with 10 grapes. The cheif soon ordered him to do the same as the first guy. After to the 9th grape, the man started laughing so hard for no apperant reason, and was killed. The first two guys soon met in heaven and the first guy ask the second, "Why did you start laughing? You only needed one more grape and you'd have gotten away!" The second guy answered while still laughing, "I couldn't help it. I saw the third guy walking in with pineapples."
